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Whose train of thought?

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Old subway lines

January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007

Favorite terminals

Aliza, the hodgepodge
Brian, the happy obituarist
Carljoe, bayaw sa klase at kanto
Daryll, the free migrant
Den, the travelling feline
Egay's friendster kundiman
Egay's lj kundiman
Em, the punch-drunk daisy
Gabby, girl with ribbons undone
Gloria, going places in her jeans
Ian, sandwichspy eating the sun
Jeline, with her random shrapnel
Joel, the rambling soul
Kit, with an eternal itch
Kuya Zivan, high on acid42
Larry's highest hiding place
Maita, going beyond the sunrise
Margie, in a dirty shirt
Mika, the dog woman
Mikael, may abo sa dila
Mitzie, between moons and eggs
Nikko, with his pebbles and sex
Ning, in her little tugboat
Peachy, with patolas and doughnuts
Rabbi, posing on the proskenion
Tintin, detoxing on the couch
Twinkle, traveling light
Vlad, the dirty pop machine
Wanda, warcar at pansitan
Waps, on the old road
Yol, nababaog na nga ba?
Zia, wandering without subtitles

Tuesday, February 27, 2007
9:11 PM

Say hello to my new friend!

This is the midget snowman Ben and I built outside our house yesterday afternoon, with red kidney beans for eyes, a green pepper for a nose, four red chili peppers for a mouth, my maroon scarf wrapped around its head and neck, and Maita's fluffy green gloves on sticks for hands. We've baptized him Bobby. Look at Bobby lounging on the plastic lawn chair. Notice that he's naked where it matters. See him snicker while giving the world the finger. That's our Bobby.

* * *
The Snow Man
by Wallace Stevens

One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;

And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,

Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

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Monday, February 12, 2007
11:16 PM

Last night I bumped into my housemate Ben on the way home. He had a look that could best be described as gleeful. In his hands was a pair of white ice skates.

"Guess what?" he asked.
"You bought yourself some skates?"
"No," he replied, "I FOUND them on the sidewalk. I love this city!"
"Wow! Why'd someone throw them away? Do they fit you?"
"No way, but they look like they might fit you, actually."
"Uh, are you sure you want to see me back on the ice?"


I tried them on anyway, and they seemed a half size bigger than my feet, but if I wore them with thick socks (as I should) they'd fit perfectly. The tips are a bit gasgas, and the inside fluff is more scruffy than fluffy, and the blades need to be sharpened -- but otherwise they're a perfectly fine pair of skates! Orbit, their front flaps say in fading gold font. We will let you glide in circles around the ice, they promise, winking at each other.

I have a vague memory of this children's story about a pair of ice skates stolen by a boy named Peter (?). He wears them and suddenly they have a life of their own, taking him away from the other children on the frozen lake and into the forest and beyond. I don't remember what else happens, only that he turns out safe in the end, if a little shaken. Unlike the gruesome Andersen fairy tale about the adopted girl who puts on a pair of red shoes that make her keep on dancing, across ballrooms and roads and graveyards until she asks a woodcutter to chop off her feet. At which point the red shoes and dismembered feet in them keep dancing and bar her way to the church. She dies of a literal broken heart.

I dreamt I died last night, shot in the chest in my high school by a man with a bow and arrow. I had been flying, then I sank to the ground in slow motion, and crumpled up. Richard said dreams about death are good, that they signal transformation. Sure, but what of dreams about being murdered? Jess said I didn't really die, that it was Cupid reminding me of Valentine's Day. Oh brother.

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Monday, February 05, 2007
2:19 PM

The Windchill Factor

I'm pretty sure I posted this poem in one of my blogs years ago (with so many under my belt, it's hard to remember which blog and which February) -- but it's only this year that I've come to REALLY understand it's less about Valentine-less moping and more about wintry despair and sluggishness. This year, I've learned about windchill, how the strength and speed of winds blowing from the lake turn the already awful chill (today at -15 Celsius) into something more frigid (-24). I've learned that "flurries" are not delicious, "cold feet" are not something to be taken lightly, and that "ice-breakers" aren't fun songs or games you do to "warm up" a group. That ice is not my element, that I can't skate and glide across the ice to save my life. That wearing powder blush on my cheeks is unnecessary, as my entire face gets red anyway every time I step outside. I've been fighting this almost instinctive urge to store heat by eating (and getting) fat. I've had to deal with territory wars in the kitchen, over the freezer and Ziploc containers and utensils (one housemate and her ever-present boyfriend have taken to hiding her pans and knives in her third-floor room). I've started apartment-searching again, and today had to walk out into a snowy world -- I felt like I was a character in a TV with really bad reception, bad white static. I miss my black fur sausage sleeping on a pillow beside me.

February
Margaret Atwood

Winter. Time to eat fat
and watch hockey. In the pewter mornings, the cat,
a black fur sausage with yellow
Houdini eyes, jumps up on the bed and tries
to get onto my head. It’s his
way of telling whether or not I’m dead.
If I’m not, he wants to be scratched; if I am
he’ll think of something. He settles
on my chest, breathing his breath
of burped-up meat and musty sofas,
purring like a washboard. Some other tomcat,
not yet a capon, has been spraying our front door,
declaring war. It’s all about sex and territory,
which are what will finish us off
in the long run. Some cat owners around here
should snip a few testicles. If we wise
hominids were sensible, we’d do that too,
or eat our young, like sharks.
But it’s love that does us in. Over and over
again, He shoots, he scores! and famine
crouches in the bedsheets, ambushing the pulsing
eiderdown, and the windchill factor hits
thirty below, and pollution pours
out of our chimneys to keep us warm.
February, month of despair,
with a skewered heart in the centre.
I think dire thoughts, and lust for French fries
with a splash of vinegar.
Cat, enough of your greedy whining
and your small pink bumhole.
Off my face! You’re the life principle,
more or less, so get going
on a little optimism around here.
Get rid of death. Celebrate increase. Make it be spring.


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Tuesday, January 23, 2007
3:04 PM

goodbyes and other pound-ings

Last Sunday, the housemates decided to go up on the roof at midnight and eat the chocolate cake Nathalie had baked. It was Nathalie's second to the last night with us, and we wanted to do something special. We stepped out of the 3rd floor window, climbed the sloping part of the roof to the flat surface covered in ice and snow, and looked up at a clear sky and a great view of downtown Toronto (no pictures, as most of the cameras wouldn't work in -8 degrees Celsius weather). Nathalie said she didn't like saying goodbye, so I didn't, and just hugged her, and we danced a little on the roof. Later, while sipping hot tom yam goong and bandaging my right thumb (which I'd cut against the metal roof ledge while sliding down), I thought about how Nathalie came to live with us, and how temporary our living arrangements are...(Fresh from Paris, she had just started work at a coat store along Queen St., where Ben happened to be shopping. He struck up a conversation, found out she was looking for a place, he said we had an extra room in the house, and days later she moved in and had dinner with us.) It all seems so random and ephemeral and wonderful nevertheless, the friendships and connections I've made in this city...

* * *

I've been tackling Pound's Pisan Cantos (LXXIV - LXXXIV), and can't help but be informed by the context in which they were produced... Pound wrote them in 1945 during the 7 months he was detained in a disciplinary camp for military/war criminals near Pisa, Italy --- where, for the first 3 weeks he was kept isolated in an open-air, barbed wire cage, until he broke down physically and emotionally, and was transferred to the building, where he recuperated and wrote. What I find impressive is all the allusions he supplies from memory, aided by the 2 books he had with him: a volume of works by Confucius, and a Chinese dictionary. But what I LIKE is the quality of tenderness in these cantos, the snippets of dialogue and details from his life in the camp... There are definite chinks in his intellectual armor here, probably since he didn't know whether he'd be executed or not, whether he'd see his wife and mistress and daughter again. Though the verse is peppered with dry jibes such as:
"the army vocabulary contains almost 48 words
one verb and participle one substantive
one adjective and one phrase sexless that is
used as a sort of pronoun
from a watchman's club to a vamp or fair lady"
there are also lyrical passages that show us a glimpse of his tender side, like when he says "beauty is difficult" and is
"measured by the to whom it happens
and to what, and if to a work of art
then to all who have seen and who will not" (LXXVI)
and when he says:
"your eyes are like tigers,
with no word written in them
You also have I carried to nowhere
to an ill house and there is
no end to the journey.
The chess board too lucid
the squares are too even...theatre of war...
"theatre" is good. There are those who did not want
it to come to an end" (LXXVIII)
and when he ends with:
"nothing matters but the quality
of the affection ---
in the end --- that has carved the trace in the mind" (LXXVI)

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Monday, January 08, 2007
9:56 PM

Christmas Eve Couch Potatoes




I'm pretty sure the space beside my mom on the couch was (unconsciously?) reserved for me. Thirteen hours later...












... on the other side of the world, I was sitting on another couch, eating strawberries and ice cream with lovely housemates before our DVD fest.

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Saturday, January 06, 2007
2:01 AM

Slice of Life

I just had a mini scare. I'd slept way earlier than usual (10pm, haha) but woke up past midnight hearing housemates chatting in the kitchen. Feeling hungry, I decided to join them and to toast some bread and cheese. So I got out the Spanish Manchego and had a little trouble slicing its fresh-from-the-fridge hardness. And then the cheese slicer slipped, and I saw part of my left thumbnail (maybe half of
the top 1/3, from left to right) sliced. At first I was like, Oh, no big deal, I just cut my nail. Carina told me to wash it under cold water -- so I did, and it started to hurt like hell and bleed a little. Nilo handed me tissue and told me to apply a little pressure -- so I did, and started to feel frantic. Tangina, ang sakit! If this is a dream, I want to wake up! What do I do? Cold shivers ran down my back, and I felt my lips and cheeks tingling, like I was losing color. "I need to sit down," I said, and found a kitchen stool.

Next thing I knew, something cold was being wiped on my lips and forehead and cheeks. I opened my eyes and felt like I was hurtling upwards out of a ravine, and stared straight into Nilo's eyes. I was sitting down, leaning against Ben. And I got really scared, realizing I had fainted. They kept reassuring me I was ok, that I was only out for around 7 seconds. Nilo said she had clipped the nail to the point where it was safe, and she just had to apply antibacterial ointment (from Ben's huge first aid kit, which was one of his mother's Hannukah presents) and bandage it. So at my request, Carina sang to distract me (she can barely keep a tune) and I refused to look at my thumb until it was finished. So now they've exempted me from washing dishes (yehey!) and I just need to replace the band-aids daily until the nail starts growing back. Hmm, at least now I have a good (if unglamorous) conversation starter for a third date.

Two things: 1) I'm really glad I have my housemates around, I don't know what I would've done if I were alone. 2) Now I know what it feels like to faint. It's scary, that upward rush toward consciousness after the body shuts down. What was my body doing during those 7 seconds? Ben said they thought I was joking at first because my eyes were still open and I'd tilted my head back and made a snoring sound. Then they realized I was out and had trouble breathing, so they panicked too while supporting my head, and fanned me until I came to. Wow. So that's my little bit of excitement on a Friday night. All for a piece of toast with cheese.

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Monday, January 01, 2007
5:27 PM

So this is the new year...

My New Year's Eve was straight out of a Beckett play, like a scene from Waiting for Godot. Due to unforeseen circumstances, all the other housemates were out partying or out of town, so the only people left were me, my favorite German housemate Carina, and her boyfriend Robert who'd just arrived from Munich the day before. (We don't count the couple in the basement, who have their own little world.) We'd intended to greet the New Year drinking on the roof (perhaps not the brightest of ideas), but since it had been raining all day and the roof was slippery, that plan was shot. So we finished a bottle of wine, moved the couch in front of the huge window in Ben's room, and stared at skeletons of trees against a pinkish-grey sky. With cans of beer in hand, we waited for midnight to roll around. Five minutes before the stroke, the city was still quiet. One of us opened the window and listened.

"Why is nothing happening?"
"No firecrackers or fireworks?"
"Do Canadians celebrate New Year?"
"Maybe they'd rather stay in bars than light fireworks?"
"I have no idea; we're not from around here, remember?"
"Maybe everyone's staying inside because of the rain."
"Maybe our clocks are wrong and we're actually an hour early."
"Maybe our calendars are warped and we're actually a day early."
"Maybe we should call someone."

Carina called Nilo who assured us Canadians did indeed celebrate New Year. But that she had leftover sparklers in her room we could help ourselves to just in case we didn't see any fireworks. So five minutes after midnight, after concluding that our window-watching idea was useless, we opened our beers, lit our sparklers, and did little jigs of joy. Three foreigners in a quiet city, ushering in 2007 with whirling lights and much floor-creaking.
* * *

I've loved my previous New Year's Eves too. I remember drinking passionfruit vodka at the Marikina Riverpark with Kael, EJ, and Mitzie to greet 2004. And having champagne and focaccia with Elmo and his mom for 2005. And spending a cold night watching fireworks from the funeral chapel with my family and the Soncuyas for 2006. This time last year I was sitting in limbo, in an eclipse, all my plans up in the air. Now I'm where I want to be, still slightly homesick, but drinking in every last drop of this experience.
* * *

Pictures and mini-stories:

The Smee Casualty Board! We use the kitchen whiteboard for chore reminders, school and job updates, basic info (we realized after 2 months that we had no idea what each other's last names were), and a tally board for mice. We thought we only had one -- who'd eat only whole wheat bread and sunflower seeds -- and affectionately named it Smee, in a pirate-y mood. Then we discovered we had a family. One mouse entered through the space under my door (one disadvantage to living next to the kitchen) and found its way to my bed (no, I'm not that desperate...yet). Carina and Nilo caught it with an upside down trash can, stuffed it along with my blanket in a garbage bag, and we trekked to the park a block away to "set Smee free!" Except the tame little rodent kept snuggling in my blanket. We had to shake it off...and I had to wash my sheets. Twice. We waged war on Smee's relatives, though, who were only assigned numbers, not names. We caught SIX on sticky paper a month ago, and fervently hope we caught them all. I still have dreams about mice, which I assure you aren't as delightful as the rats dancing in the Nutcracker ballet.

The Gingerbread House! One December night before the term ended, Ben wanted Christmas cookies, and Nilo decided she wanted to make a gingerbread house. So we all chipped in -- my contribution was gladly setting aside my unfinished 20-page paper (on notions of privacy and the female outider in Tennessee Williams' A Streetcar Named Desire and Lillian Hellman's The Autumn Garden) and making a literal midnight RUN (with running shoes and jogging pants) to the supermarket to buy...food coloring. The baking took two hours, and the house smelled exquisitely sugary at 2am. Notice how the gingerbread roof rests precariously on the walls and uncooked spaghetti supports. With the leftover dough, we made a tree, a cat, a bike, the number 62, a heart, a woman, and a man -- which they let me eat, head last.

Ok, no real story here. Just a cute picture by the front door, of me and Carina supposedly saying goodbye to Adam. Me in pigtails, days before I cut my hair short again and dyed it "chocolate cherry -- just a fancy name for burgundy brown (and yes, I share Kate Winslet's character's fascination for haircolor names in Eternal Sunshine, among other quirks). I love how you can see the stark trees as well as the hallway light above our heads. We're there, smiling, with the liquid glass blurring what's inside and what's outside, just within reach.

(More photos coming soon!)

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